When did there get to be ‘levels’ of a romantic relationship? Perhaps I’m too much of a linear thinker when it comes to all things romantic, but to me, its there or it isn’t. A client asked me the question I think I get most, “when will our relationship go to the next level?”
Sometimes I just look at the screen and stare at it as if my monitor will disappear as the result of a time shift into an era when I didn’t have to come up with answers to things that don’t make sense to me. Sometimes I wish it would.
What these love-sick women (level of maturity not withstanding) mean most of the time is, “When will my boyfriend or male friend wake up and suddenly become the fictional character I try and make him into every day showing his undying love and devotion by plastering it all over the billboards of the universe including the big one in front of his exe’s house?” *sigh
You always get into trouble when you start asking “what d’ya mean?!” Levels…until I started giving tarot readings about relationships, it frankly never occurred to me that there were levels of love. This to me, seems different than having varying definitions, individual definitions of what love is. If you want someone to go to the next level, it usually means you’re not satisfied with things as they are. So lets talk about this a little.
Lets say you’ve just met someone. Lets call this level one. You experience what is commonly known as “chemistry” between you. This is literally, a chemical reaction in your brain and theirs, to the pheromones you both project, drawing you toward each other and making it necessary for one of you to buy bigger sweaters so you’ll both fit in one at the same time. This is the “level” of the relationship that makes it absolute torture to be anywhere but attached at the hip or by any other body part that happens to be handy. Be aware that everyone else you know or work with will be repelled by your obvious inability to function as a thinking human being and will feel no sympathy toward your incessant blathering about your newfound soulmate. In fact I wouldn’t recommend using the actual word “soulmate” around anyone you’d actually like to listen to you and care.
Sadly for you but fortunately for people who have to be around you, this “love drug” wears off. We’ll call this level two. This is when you start wanting to claim some of your own space in the world back. You rediscover your space on the couch and no longer want to become one with your partner’s inner everything. You start saying things like “you’re squishing me” in the bed. You stop trying to force them to drive the car with one hand. And the real kicker that the drug has worn off, is that you know exactly what foods they don’t want running into their mash potatoes on their dinner plate. This my friend, is already the beginning of the end. The proverbial honeymoon is indeed over.
Level three is when you start spending more time online getting caught up with everyone you ignored for a month (or less) and creating secret passwords and fake names so you can start asking a psychic why he’s become distant, whether or not he really loves you, and whether or not there’s another woman. At this level, try and resist the temptation to read his email (which up until now you’d never have the gall to do) or reverse lookup the numbers on his cell phone. No good will come of it I promise. There’s no way you’ll be able to rationally explain why you ate an entire bag of Chips Ahoy in one sitting. Forget about being seen as “desireable” after that, ever.
Level 4 is what I call “comfortable”, which is probably really another word for “oblivious”. You’ve stopped noticing all the little idiosyncracies that you found cute or sexy in previous levels. One of you watches reruns on tv while the other does something completely different and there’s no friction about it later on. You long ago stopped being so self-concious about how your hair looks or whether or not your lipstick matches anything at all. You don’t feel pressured to have meaningful conversation during meals. Comfortable is really a nice place to be and should never be mistaken for neglect. This is where you remember the part about committment; where you remember that both of you are mere carbon based beings with issues. This is where you accept or deny that life is indeed what you make of it, every day.
As you can see, I could go on and on about this topic but I think my main point is, the only reality is now. We don’t have the past or the future to count on anymore. You are here now. Your partner is here now. As the saying goes, “tomorrow is promised to no one.” How may of us would change many things if we could go back in time and do so? All of us. But there’s really only one way to do that, make all of our “nows” count. How do you do that?
Simply pay attention.:)
